Dear Borders,

I am very sorry you are going out of business. I am, however, very happy I got five books and two CDs for $25.18 including tax today.

Sincerely,
Laura

Dear car,

On this occasion, the hour of your 10,000th mile, I am sorry you have been put through so much in your young life. I wish you a next 100,000 miles of no injuries!

Hopefully yours,
Laura

Dear internet contacts,

Please stop forwarding me things I am CCed on already.

Thanks,
Laura

Mail Master

DSC09577
Originally uploaded by neonspecs

I'm a close-to-great pen pal (would be really great if I didn't occasionally have long delays in between responses). I currently have three-ish pen pals. I think I could handle up to five at a time. Just sayin'.

Dear UCLA Library,

Please stop posting your audio files as .rams. I don't have or want Real Media Player.

Pretty please,
Laura

Dear music supervisor of NFL for women or whatever commercial,

I am offended/confused by your choice of Lesley Gore's awesome "You Don't Own Me" track for that terrible commercial. It doesn't even make any sense.

Ugh,
Laura

Hey Glow,

Why don't you let people actually ride the carousel?!

Laura

P.S. Infrared-scanning of the audience/other audience-based art does not a good art piece make.

Dear Apple,

"Learning" is not an adjective. Get your parallel structure act together!!

Only looking out for you,
Laura

Dear Silverlake Lounge,

Your reasonably priced $6 gimlet surprises me. 1) It is a real gimlet! Made with gin! and Rose's Lime Juice! and that's it! 2) It tastes good. So shocking.

I commend you,
Laura

Dear Facebook readers,

You may have noticed, if you are reading this on Facebook, that in my last post all the movies were missing. That is because you aren't reading it on blogspot. So get to it, folks, and see this blog in all it's unemployment-time-filling splendor. http://followthatostrich.blogspot.com

Laura

Dear Wes Anderson,

I like you. Then I don't. I like you. Then I don't. You're making this really tough for me. But right now, I like you.

Laura

Dear iTunes,

Why is that whenever I play a song from a Greatest Hits compilation, you display Steve Miller Band album art, but when I play the one or two songs I have that are actually by Steve Miller Band, you show Crosby, Stills & Nash art?

HUH?
Laura

Dear fashion,

I may have already written about this, but it seems you are stealing my dreams. First, wingtips. Then, clogs. And, now, monocles. I'm not sure what to say about this. Before I was hesitant to buy these things because they were so expensive. Now that everyone wants them, they are much more accessible (well not quite yet for the monocles), but, at the same time, everyone has them.

What a conundrum!
Laura

Dear Wall Street Journal,

You use "according to a person familiar with their thinking" too much. Does this person even have any value?

I am not sure,
Laura

Chalom

Dear Boyle Heights,

Thank you so much for this.

Best,
Laura

Dear Crimean War,

Thank you for the cardigan sweater (and apparently also the balaklava, although I don't have much use for that). What other woolen items will you reward civilization?

A hearty thanks,
Laura

Dear Israel,

Your toilet paper embossed with hearts is novel, but let me introduce you to the concept of toilet seat covers.

Best,
Laura

Dear huddled masses,

What about bodies of stagnant piped-in water makes you throw your hard-earned money away? I really can't understand. Is there some specific origin of this ridiculous custom I don't know?

Please educate me,
Laura

Dear L.A. River Report with Ed Reyes,

I would be much more into you if you were not accompanied by monumentally dull music. This isn't a hotel television menu channel show. Too bad it sounds like one (okay, obviously, I'm already admitting a lot by saying I watch LACityView channel 35).

Laura

P.S. THE L.A. RIVER IS A RIVER. DON'T MOCK IT.

Dear people who decide San Vicente and Fairfax is an acceptable place to block the intersection,

WHAT THE HELL?

Laura

P.S. When is it ever acceptable to block an intersection?